Live From New York
Well, it finally happened. Somebody let it slip to Jonathan Cheban that cameras were rolling again because, without missing a beat, he strolls back into the frame like Denise Richards saying “Lights, camera, and me without a stitch of makeup on” in Drop Dead Gorgeous. FoodGod, as this 48-year-old man calls himself, naturally makes his on-camera return at a dinner in New York to celebrate Kim’s Saturday Night Live gig, which she obviously can’t attend because she’s busy preparing to host SNL. Instead, Kris, Khloé, and Scott are joined by Kim’s other closest friends, Simon Hucke and normal-icon Allison Statter.
Allison, Kim’s best friend since high school, has always been my personal favorite side character because she seemingly has no interest in being on a TV show whatsoever and is just a normal gal who happens to be best friends with Kim. For as normie as she seems, I must note that she is actually Irving Azoff’s daughter and the CEO of a big-time celebrity PR firm. But compared to FoodGod, she’s a regular average Joe.
Back at the hotel, Kris and Khloé get a call summoning them to Kim’s room and, more importantly, instructing them to bring the cameras with them. There they find Kanye, buried under layers of sweatshirts, and Kim wearing a neon-pink snowsuit — but alas, this emergency meeting isn’t for an impromptu ski trip as context clues might lead you to believe. Instead, with a flourish of dramatic prop work, Kim tells the room that Kanye flew to L.A. and back to collect a hard drive and computer from Ray J containing the unreleased sex-tape footage that’s been haunting her.
Though I was initially concerned that none of these people knew how iCloud worked, it turns out that after she reviewed the footage, Kim saw that there was actually no additional sexual material — thus this big sigh of relief. Was it entirely necessary to collect a whole computer for this? I don’t know; I am not the Geek Squad. But as great as this news is, the bad news is that they’re now stuck with an iMac full of old Ray J songs.
Speaking of the past, while they’re in New York, Kris wants to visit the apartment she lived in across the street from Carnegie Hall when she was a flight attendant in the ’70s. As a person who loves nothing more than a CBS Sunday Morning walk-and-talk where a celebrity roams their old high school with Mo Rocca, I love this idea and don’t understand why Khloé is so resistant. She’s so against it that, mid-walk, she seizes an opportunity to bail and turns right around on the streets of New York before they can even get soft pretzels. It turns out that Khloé was right, and I should never have doubted her. After struggling to identify which building it was, Kris doesn’t even get to go in. I was expecting to see a rich, famous person in a terrible New York City apartment, pointing at a room and saying what used to be in it. But all we get is a street view that I could’ve gotten from Google Maps.
Over in Rockefeller Center, showtime is just hours away, and Steve Higgins is teaching Kim how to read cue cards. But what really stands out among all the hustle and bustle is when Kim says, “I keep on having to pee like a million times before the show starts; that’s just like who I am.” If there’s one thing I know about Kim, it’s that she always has to pee. Whether she’s planning to urinate in her tight-fitting Met Gala dress and have her sister wipe up her leg or buying diapers to take the baby bar exam in, it’s become wildly apparent that her waist trainers have done irreversible damage to the size of her bladder. Despite this, the show goes off without a hitch and nary a pee stain in sight.
Immediately after she comes off stage, Kim is greeted by her closest friends and family backstage — and Gayle King. We’re given no explanation as to why Gayle King is there, but Gayle King never has to explain herself to me. As Kim leaves, she goes up to Bowen Yang and says, “Can I be so annoying and ask for a picture?” This suggests to me that Kimberly is an avid Las Culturistas listener and has to be a guest on the podcast ASAP. I need to know what her “I Don’t Think So Honey” will be. Debra Messing? Spiders? Having to pee?
I find it amazing that the production was able to get access to the mythical Saturday Night Live after-party but was unable to get access to some random shitty apartment that Kris used to live in in midtown. The event is a brigade of celebrity cameos, all of whom gush to Kim about how well she did — but notably, we don’t get to see Pete Davidson. Though he remains off-camera, production does play Latto’s “Big Energy” during the arrival montage, which famously features the lyric “big dick energy,” the terminology made famous by Pete Davidson. There are no coincidences!
Back in L.A., Kris and Khloé handle the logistics of Kourtney’s engagement, which is still top secret unless you’re Ellen Degeneres, who apparently knows everything about it. There’s a hiccup in the planning because of a scheduling conflict with Kourtney’s egg retrieval, but I could barely focus on that because I was distracted by the awards on display in Kris’s office. As expected, there are several People’s Choice Awards (“It means a lot to me because it’s from the people” — Valerie Cherish), but then there is also what appears to be an Emmy Award. Here’s the thing, the Kardashians have never won an Emmy … so where did that Emmy come from, and who does it belong to?
Did she have a fake Emmy made for display? Did she barter it from Ellen in exchange for details on Kourtney’s engagement? Is it just a placeholder for the Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series Emmy that Kim will win for SNL? Maybe this bit Kathy Griffin posted in 2016 of Kris stealing her Emmys was real, but surely Kathy wouldn’t have let Kris keep the sacred suck-it-Jesus trophy all this time? Please reach out if you have any information regarding this Emmy, I won’t know peace until I have answers.
Anyway, the date eventually works out, and Kris calls all her daughters to tell them the good news, giving us a haunting insight into how often these women need to change their phone numbers. Her daughter’s contacts are saved as “Kylie New New 2022,” “Kimbo 2022,” “Kendall Nuevo,” and “Khloé 2020.” Though we don’t see it, I assume Rob’s number is saved as “Maybe: Rob.”
Last week I bemoaned the unprofessionalism of Kendall and Kylie’s continued absence from filming, but their return this week has reminded me of their keen ability to deliver so much in such a short window of time. And their pit stop for burgers and cheese fries at In-N-Out en route to Kourtney’s engagement earned them a spot back in my good graces. Kylie’s Rolls Royce and its pink interior provide the backdrop for gems like Kylie needing a snack while they wait in the drive-through line, her absolute horror at eating while driving, and Kendall saying, “I love love.”
All I require is a little side quest from these two each week where they drive around town or run errands à la The Simple Life and I’ll be plenty entertained. If they’ll oblige, I’ll keep my mouth shut about Kris Jenner’s fake Emmy.